I’m typing this entry on my iPhone because my new operating system has caused my computer to be internetless, so please bear with any horrible spelling mistakes or weirdness, things will be back to normal as soon as I kill my Mac dealer. I was gonna type a nice long entry about my trip to Brisbane and my sister’s wedding but i’ll just get to the basics — Bea’s eardrum exploded on the flight up and she was extremely sick for the entire trip; vomiting, crapping her pants, fevers and of course blood pouring from her ear. She slept most of the days, had two trips to a weird foreign GP and ate nothing… and left me stressed to the eyeballs about hospitalizing her. Fast forward a week and we’re home safe and exhausted, and Indi gets gastro and has to be admitted to the children’s hospital to be fed through a tube in her nose. I was sobbing! Oh, sigh.
Parenting is exhausting.

Beatrix: Can I have a drink, fatty woman?
Me: (sings to self) Fatty woman; walkin’ down the street, fatty woman; girl who likes to eat…

(Daddy has taught her not to play at the dinner table at his house. She catches him playing/ fiddling with something at the table and…)
Beatrix: Now you have to listen to yourself! (pause) Because you’re an adult.

Beatrix: Did you do a poo or a wee? (to my friend Anneka after exiting the bathroom)

I wouldn’t be any kind of mother if I didn’t say; vote for MY baby for the People’s Choice Award, she’s the cutest and most awesomest. And if she wins the vote from the Bonds judges, we get flown to Sydney, put up in a hotel room and fatty becomes the next face of the Bonds winter campaign! I’m not holding my breath though, she’s a redhead and most people are biased arseholes!

Anyway, please take the time to register your vote for Indiana! She’s the People’s Poet! She knows your heartache! She’s representing the little man! Or the redhead man! Or the fat man! Or most importantly, if she wins, she’ll be stocking her own closet full of new Bonds gear — so she’s representing the poor man! Voting closes October 15th (and the winner is announced on October 20th) so please VOTE FOR HER! You can find her page at;

http://www.bonds.com.au/bumpsandbaby/pages/BabySearch/09/viewentry.aspx?id=3919

One day I’ll make a real blog post again, probably after we get back from my sister’s wedding in Queensland and I have a mental breakdown looking after the girls on the plane. Watch this space.

Following in the steps of two of my friends (who shall remain nameless) I have decided to join good ol’ Oasis Active. At first I thought “this’ll be hilarious”, then I thought “this’ll be an interesting social experiment” and now I just think “Jesus, I have finally reached my threshold of lame”. Now, of course no offense intended to my lovely friends who joined, because both of them are completely gorgeous people and really, would have no problems securing a “real world” person, but this website has enhanced all the things I feel are bad things about myself. The self advertising portion being one that I cannot stand. I hate profiles written by guys who are the first to say how shit they are, but then I can’t handle the ones where they tell you they’re your dream catch and they’re ripped and gorgeous. The only slight cute, human looking one ended up being a weird American cowboy who wanted to sneak into my house after 5 minutes of talking to me, asked way too many questions about sexual preferences and cup sizes, and is apparently currently touring Australia in search of syphilis (which I’m sure he’ll find the way he’s going.) Why are there no normal men available anymore? And to those who have one — where the hell did you find him?

I sent the exact same email to Yo Gabba Gabba again. It’s been like 11 days, and they’ve been updating their blog, I’m sure someone’s read somethin’ by now. The stealing was enough to shit me pretty bad, but what seems like apparent IGNORING is really what’s annoying me now. I wish I was an arsehole so I could get all up in their grill, but actually after looking at my Creative Commons, you can only set it for an individual country — mine being set for Australia. Surely to God, that’s a bullshit loophole that isn’t morally right. I’m really disappointed that an organisation I’ve pimped out to so many other parents has just completely fucking dismissed me. I’m giving it two more weeks and then I’m writing a new improved ALL CAPS LOCK angry version of my email.

Edit; I just got a response;

email removed due to complaint (i’m allowed to write that, right?)

The jerks from Yo Gabba Gabba have completely ignored my email, apparently. I’d call for a boycott but unfortunately we just get way too much entertainment out of that show.

Beatrix: Michael Jackson has a lady voice and a man voice.

Beatrix: We’re both wearing dark sunglasses! How jolly.

Beatrix: I love your toenails.
Me: My toenails? Thanks.
Beatrix: And I love your fingernails. I love your whole skeleton. I love everybody’s skeleton.

Beatrix: I’m such-ely (sic) brave, Mummy.

Me: Mummy’s sister has a baby in her tummy, just like I did. Isn’t that exciting?
Beatrix: Wow! What’s it called?
Me: Well, we don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl yet. We have to wait and see. Do you know any good names? What about boy names?
Beatrix: Finny.
Me: Finny? Okay. What about girl names?
Beatrix: Um.. Hamstring.

Beatrix: (screams) SHIT-FUCK!
Me: (rushing in) What’s wrong?
Beatrix: (matter-of-factly) I said “shit-fuck”.
Me: Yes, I know you said…um, yes, I heard you. Why did you say that?
Beatrix: The couch was being naughty.
Me: What did it do?
Beatrix: It was eating my leg.
Me: Oh. Okay.

Beatrix: Can we watch Seinfeld?
Me: Okay. Do you know their names? (pointing) That’s Kramer.
Beatrix: Kramer.
Me: That’s Geo…
Beatrix: George.
Me: Good! That’s Elaine.
Beatrix: Elaine.
Me: And that’s…
Beatrix: I know.
Me: Do you? What is it?
Beatrix: Cherry Seinfeld.

Beatrix: Excuse me, Mummy?
Me: Yes, Bea?
Beatrix: Girls have two bottoms.
Me: Yes, that’s right.
Beatrix: Boys only have one bottom. And a silly bottom.

More as they happen. Unfortunately that’s all I can remember right now.

I’m in the process of re-training myself to use my camcorder, because I’m aware that I’m missing a lot of cute Indi moments, and some absolute pearls from the mouth of Beatrix. Unfortunately this involves teaching myself how to use the new iMovie (okay, not so “new”, but I’m used to the OS X.1 version which is built for kindergarteners) and it’s taking a lot longer than I would have liked. But, in doing so, I found a lot of old footage of Beatrix that I can now upload to glorious Flickr! I also found some hilarious high school footage that must be uploaded and edited at some point, but for now, I invite you all to check out my gorgeous kid at age 2.

More at Flickr.

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