Screw you, Walt.

I decided I would do the responsible (read; awesome) parent thing and properly educate my child about the brilliant history of Disney before just chucking her in front of some Pixar crap and have her assume that 3D is the only way a cartoon can be made. This idea came to me when I found the original Disney (30’s? 40’s?) version of ‘Alice in Wonderland’ at a bargain bin near my local ALDI, and decided that it was a work of artistic genius that looks like it could have been made yesterday and I should show it to Bea immediately. That was about a year ago, and she ignored it constantly until about 6 months ago, and she’s been addicted ever since. I decided that I should collect all of the classics, because besides being awesome that they give me a break in which to say, do dishes or do something important like lie down and die, they are a nice little memento of childhood to hold onto, and I quite enjoy watching them now and again (but I’m a huge geek that always secretly wanted to work and draw at Disney, and I still do, but that’s another story). So after by a stroke of luck, I found ‘Lady and the Tramp’ at Safeway, I decided it was official and I was going to hunt them all down. After all, how hard could it be? DVDs are old technology now, and basically everything has been released that is worth releasing.

WRONG.

Disney are, excuse my language, money making cunt-rags that are milking this thought for all its worth. They know that everyone wants the old school classics and they’re clinging to them as if they were jammed in the coffin with Walt himself. So far in our little collection we own the aforementioned ‘Alice’ and ‘Lady and the Tramp’, and after 2 weeks of hunting I paid out the arse for a 4 disc box set of ‘The Little Mermaid’ and its crappy sequels when I really only wanted the original — Bea loves the crappy sequels, so I guess it was worth it — and today, after being an exceptionally good girl, and knowing her developing interest in the hideous phenomena that is the Disney Princesses, I decided to offer her a Disney princess film of her choosing. The only ‘early’ Disney films I could find, in any store of an entire shopping mall, were the latest releases that they’re shoving down everyone’s throats, ‘Pinocchio’ (70th Birthday Limited Edition, of course, but its not as if there’s a fucking NORMAL edition anyway) and ‘Limited Edition Sleeping Beauty’, whatever the hell that means. After being fairly shitted off that I couldn’t find ‘Cinderella’, ‘Beauty and The Beast’, ‘Snow White’, ‘Aladdin’ or anything I grew up with, I let her have ‘Sleeping Beauty’ and we went home to watch it. The insert inside this DVD congratulates me on my purchase and tells me that I’m lucky because this selection is going back “in the vault” in two months time. What the hell is this crap, “in the vault”? What is the point of these movies existing if you’re not going to share them with the public that they were made for? When everyone had VHS, there was none of this exclusivity crap! Things were released like a year after they were in the cinema and then you could buy it WHENEVER you wanted. “IN THE VAULT”? What if, in 4 months time due to insane overuse, Bea breaks the Sleeping Beauty Limited Edition Bullshit DVD? What am I meant to do then, knock on Walt Disney’s fucking crypt door and beg for a re-issue? I get that its a money making ploy to make everyone panic and go out and buy the DVDs, but really, they’d make more money in the end by keeping it on the shelf permanently so generations of kids can keep enjoying them as they grow, just as they were intended. As far as I’m aware, the Princess movies I want to show Bea aren’t even in circulation. If they were earlier, they’ve now been removed so in a few months time they can be reissued as “Limited” and then yanked from under my nose. I found a copy of ‘Aladdin’ at my local video store but have never seen it to buy, and I know that its because its been removed as a money making exercise. What the hell, may I ask then, is the point of selling copious Disney Princess products EVERYWHERE I TURN? It’s almost worse than Dora The Explorer.

The real irony, Disney, you piece of crap is that I’d readily buy it for my interested daughter if I could BUY THE GOD DAMN FILM THAT THE SHIT IS BASED ON TO SHOW HER FIRST.

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