mistake

I have put all of my eggs in one basket and now am I concerned that I am vulnerable. I am now not used to this feeling after months of feeling generally secure (except for those hateful, PMS moments where I destroy everything in my path) and I’m not sure what to do with it. There is potential here to make a huge messy muck of things, and I’ll admit, for some reason that is tempting. I feel there is a very fine line between maintaining my dignity and holding onto my morals, and making sure I don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak. I am not sure when to shut up and when to decide to simply settle. Is that what it comes down to in the end – being wise enough to settle? Do any of us really get what we want completely? I sound like a spoiled child when I say this in my head, and worse when I write it down to examine it. I don’t want to always be wondering if I cheated myself because I picked, say, three good solid things about someone and clung to them, and ignored three other things that really fundamentally bothered me. I guess it comes down to the weightiness of the problem.

Let’s say, as a hypothetical, that you get on fantastically with – let’s call them Potential Partner A – but unfortunately, they keep you a secret. You’ve logically examined all the reasons why, and even though Potential Partner A says they are not ashamed or embarrassed of you, they still keep you a secret from their family and friends. Perhaps you reason with yourself that they are not as close to their family or friends as you. Perhaps, you decide, they are more secretive or private. Perhaps they need a safety net, a level of freedom just in case things go sour. Are these the sorts of things that people make up as lies to be able to live with a situation? At what point should you throw something important and amazing away simply out of principle?And how much should you put up with?

Sometimes I feel as though I was born without the filter that makes you suck up your pride and just get on with shit. I cannot fathom when situations are unfair. This isn’t a tantrum-like childish response, it’s simply that I want things to be equal and straightforward in a world that is full of mixed messages and cyclic arguments.

Potential Partner A is a loving, sensitive person that shares nearly all your morals, gets on with your family and friends, and shares 99.9% of your interests and tastes. You have great chemistry. You have fun. How much does this account for when a nagging feeling in your stomach tells you that previous women that Potential Partner A felt less chemistry with were getting a better treatment than you? I am sure that even the most together and non-suspicious would begin to wonder if there were something wrong with them that would make a partner lie about them or their level of involvement with each other. May I add, the use of the word “partner” would also be frowned upon here, for there is no precedent nor term in the English Dictionary that could accurately describe the skullfuckery that is afoot in my house as of late.

I sound demented and selfish and I do not want to be one of those women who monopolizes someone’s free time. I also do not want to be one of those women who thinks and wants to change a man. I want neither of these things, I just want to feel validated and feel that I am indeed important, or that someone is proud of me. Because I am worth at least that.

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