I don’t think I’m the first mother to say this, but I’m really starting to not only just get tired of dealing with my teething baby, but I don’t enjoy her. On any level. This is causing me to feel like the world’s worst parent, that in the 15 minutes per day that she’s actually enjoyable in the past week, I just tell her to go away and leave me be, or I find something like the dishes to do and plonk her for some stress-free minutes in front of Sesame Street. She wakes about an average of 12 times a night, (last night it was 3 times and that was a great night) and she is fired up and inconsolable. I am exhausted, and part of me is irrationally angry at a very small person who is going through a shitty time that makes her violent, sore, tired, sick and gives her the world’s most god-awful runny shit. So why can’t I suck it up and be a grown-up and just feel sympathy for her?
Don’t get me wrong, a big part of me feels bad because I want to make this better for her and I can’t. The other part of me is angry because three days ago I fell down the stairs and fucked up my back, and I *still* have to endure her crap, regardless of being too sore to bend or pick her up 90% of the day and being tranked out of my mind on muscle relaxants. Kids don’t understand when a parent is unwell or hurt, and they’re not meant to. My job is to be here for her, and I am. Maybe part of me is also angry in that when situations like this happen, I feel pretty down and alone not having an actual partner that I feel like I can ask for help or support or to give me a bit of respite. I feel like if it’s my weekend with Indi (uh, but when isn’t it?) that I need to shut up and suck up my problems, regardless of how bad or upset or injured or sick I feel, because somehow my co-parent missing out on having a beer with his friends or me interrupting his having some time to himself seems worse to me than the fact that I’m having a generally bullshit time.
I guess the point I’m vaguely getting to is that it’s perfectly natural and normal to want your own space for a few minutes to regroup and gain sanity. It’s okay to get over it and cry or get angry because you’re exhausted and stressed – it doesn’t mean that I don’t love my children. I need to accept these feelings as normal and just move on or put her in the cot to scream while I have a shower and pretend she doesn’t exist for 10 minutes. I need to stop thinking it’s a sign that I’m not cut out for this or that I’m a tremendous arsehole, because I know those things aren’t true deep down.
This week I am not feeling it! I am angry! I am sore! I will own it and not be ashamed! Fuck you, teething!

Edit – we have discovered that on top of all this, she has an inner ear infection and a cold. Now some things make sense…

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